Me, Gert and the Story: A tale of communication.

Early last year I accepted a role with an organization that would have me working with two colleagues I hadn’t seen in a long time, Gert and Bessie (pseudonyms).  The nature of our work is spread across different sites and client groups, so when the chance to join them for a professional development day came, I was very excited to see them.

The day came, we hugged, reminisced and then sat together, me in the middle.  Throughout the morning at various times, I would notice Gert’s handouts had fallen to the floor and each time I diligently picked them up for her before they became crumpled. Each time feeling like a super-duper helpful friend. After the third time, I began to wonder what was going on with her dropping her notes, but it was a passing thought.  

The morning went by and we broke for lunch.  I had a quick meeting then, so I didn’t join my friends.  In the afternoon Gert changed seats.  Again, not unusual for our group to move around and connect with everyone, I thought nothing of it. 

At the end of day, Gert called me aside and asked if she could clear something up with me.  She apologized for changing seats and was concerned that I thought her to be rude.  You see Gert was very cold, and throughout the morning was continuing to cover the vent with her handouts.  While me, the super-duper friend, was saving her paper from inevitable destruction, she was seeing a very passive-aggressive peer uncovering her vent closure.  

The moral of the story:  If the relationship matters, take a moment to clear up the little pinches.  The thing with stories is that when you have only half, you may have gotten a hold of the wrong half.  If Gert wasn’t practiced in clearing up even the small annoyances she would have walked away with a perception of me being very passive-aggressive. That experience would likely influence how she viewed our future interactions.  Over time this is one of the most common ways resentment and conflict builds on teams.

 There are many communication models you can think about to clear up these small social pinches, and your thoughts about them, before they start to grow into toxicity.  One way is to think about Byron Katie’s questions.

 ·      Question 1: Is it true?

·      Question 2: Can you absolutely know it's true?

·      Question 3: How do you react—what happens—when you believe that thought?

·      Question 4: Who would you be without the thought?

·      Now, turn the thought around

In case you are wondering, Gert and I are great.  We continue to clear up any little niggles in the moment and I deeply value having a colleague that respects both of us enough to have those conversations.

*     Printed with Gert’s permission.